Trump Now Taking Credit For Tiger's Win, Thinks Golf Is Played On The Aggro Crag from 'GUTS'

Tiger wondering how many groupies he promised dinner to…

Tiger Woods won his first PGA tour victory since 2013 on Sunday, completing an incredible comeback from serious back injuries that have plagued him for the past few years. President Trump weighed in during an impromptu interview this evening:

“I think it’s wonderful,” the President said. “Tiger is an amazing golfer. It’s great. First I lead the Browns to their first win in 38 years, then I help Tiger win his first PGA tour victory in 8000 zetyaro (Kryptonian days). Golf and football are really similar ya know, at least when you’re— they’re a lot more similar than different. I mean, I’m great at golf and great for golf. I’m not saying I’m a better golfer than Tiger, but I once shot minus 156 at Trump Resort Olympus Mons. But with golf you use a stick and Baker Mayfield has a great stick handle. And Tiger was hitting 3 pointers all day, through the uh… through um… what’s it called? The Astro Crag… Aggro Crag. Because Tiger has a lot of GUTS. So that’s how golf and football are different, but they are also the same exact sport. The democrats don’t want you to play golf, or have Thanksgiving dinner with your family. So Tiger winning is great for stick swinging, as long as Mexicans are banned from Quidditch.”

After hearing of Trump’s praise during an interview, Tiger stared blankly at his feet for about 30 seconds. Tiger then stated, “I just don’t feel like it today, man.”