ICE Detains Every Member Of San Diego Padres Roster

Yesterday afternoon, ICE detained every member of the San Diego Padres roster. The raid on the team was based on an internal memo given to Ronald Vitiello (acting director of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement) by a top official in the Trump Administration. Vitiello said he would not name the top official who authored the memo, however, credible evidence provided in the memo said the San Diego Padres had “bigly violated immigration stuff”.

After yesterday’s raid on Petco Park (home field for the Padres), first baseman Eric Hosmer told WWTF reporters, “Yeah I was pretty shocked. I’m from South Miami and one of the agents told me that Miami was a province of ‘Cu-bexico’. I think he made up a place combining Cuba and Mexico. They let me go last night, but said they would hold every player who was ‘darker than Derek Jeter’. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Early this morning, President Trump acknowledged that every member of Padres roster was either a U.S. citizen or a legal resident. However, he would not say if he wrote the memo or if he believed every member of the Padres was in the country legally. “Of course I know they’re here legally,” Trump told reporters. “But you can’t be sure if they are actually legal, even if they are here legally. The name of the team is the Padres. I know a very very excellent amount of Mexican or Spanish or whatever. And San Diego is a sanctuary city… so you have to look at everyone in the entire city to see if they’re legal. Because you have Hispanics and even white Americans, but not really whites… if they are born on US soil, that doesn’t mean I can’t exploit them for political gain— um… I mean… democrats don’t want you to hit home runs.”

When asked if San Diego’s team were called a different name would ICE have detained them, Vitiello stated, “Honestly, probably not. But I don’t really give a f***. Radical leftists want you to believe we only did this because the word ‘padre’ in Spanish means immigrant. And although that’s definitely true, Trump did not write that memo. I mean he did write it, but I’m telling you he didn’t, even though he did.”