President Donald Trump hosted the 2019 College Football Champions Clemson Tigers at the White House last night. Trump, a “yuge” fan of Mickey D’s, had the White House staff serve the players McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King, and pizza. Although not all of the players were thrilled with the meal, they seemed to be satisfied. Until about 30 minutes into the meal… when FBI agents started passing out subpoenas.

Clemson quarterback Trevor Lawrence was taken aback. “I don’t get what they want,” the true freshman said. “All we did was shake the president’s hand and now we’re under investigation for possible conspiracy against the United States. Is that all it takes nowadays? I mean sure all of the Secret Service here are Russian nationals, and Putin is currently eating at this dinner as we speak… and there is an assload of urinal cakes— oh I see what they mean now.”

One allegedly anonymous Clemson player told a reporter an “alternative” side of the facts. “The FBI are a bunch of liars,” the 70 year old alleged “Clemson player” said. “What the FBI are doing is crazy. We are just a bunch of college kids. We like college stuff. Bazooka Joe gum, Charleston Chew, Audrey Hepburn… and we eat McDonalds about ten to twelves times a day. The FBI needs to leave everyone alone, except the black players because they were probably kneeling and didn’t vote for me. I play well last week though, am I right? I threw probably the most touchdowns that anyone has ever thrown. Like fifty, or eighty touchdowns. I won that game and the election all by myself. An ordinary, yet extraordinary, Clemson quarterback with very, very large and bigly hands.”

After the meal, all of the Clemson players were cleared… except the 70 year old “quarterback” who is still under investigation.