God Reveals Plan To Update Bible To Define A Legal Tackle On a QB, Says Americans Need "A Lot More Jesus"

God revealed his plan to Rev. Cervantes Gifford this past weekend in an attempt to “stop all bitching” about the NFL’s new roughing the passer rule. During a tackle, defensive players can no longer “unnecessarily or violently throw him[the QB] down and land on top of him with all or most of the defender’s weight.” This controversial rule has incited tons of your friends to bitch and moan on social media while pretending to be football experts.

The good Lord decided to update the book of John so Jesus will clearly dictate what is and isn’t a legal tackle while dying on the cross. While speaking to Rev. Gifford, God said, “I’m only doing this because Americans are literally praying to me over it and it’s ridiculous. Some American citizens have no food or housing, which can easily be fixed, but your stupid human will won’t solve it. I told y’all to love each other, and you responded by boycotting a company because a guy of a different skin color wanted to raise awareness about groups of people dying at the hands of the law enforcement. Instead of praying about child hunger and education, Americans are praying and bitching about a stupid tackle rule. Y’all need Jesus. Especially those below the Mason-Dixon Line.”

Rev. Gifford has been under fire for delivering God’s word because it wasn’t consistent with the God of everyone around him. Turns out, Americans only want to hear from the version of God they agree with.

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