Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions To Be Hired As UFC Commissioner

written by Kal Cutler

As you can see, his ears are “phoning home”…

In a radical move by the board of WME-IMG, the owners of UFC, Jeff Sessions will be hired as the first UFC Commissioner.

"I think the board just felt that UFC needed at least some form of consistency for rules enforcement," the former Attorney General began. "Testing and banning certain fighters while giving others million dollar contracts for the same offense sends a confusing message".

Mr. Sessions acknowledged that he had not ever seen an MMA fight or even been to the western half of the United States but remarked, “this is not about whether I know what MMA is or its history, but about restoring States’ rights.”

Sessions released some of his upcoming agenda. Among the highlights were that all competitors are to stand for the national anthem and cross burnings.

Of course he was immediately questioned, “Mane, they ain’t even any seats inside the octagon though,” erupted Nick Diaz. “What I look like tryna get fined before the fight begin. S***, at least lemme earn that damn fine after the f***in’ match over. Man f***.”

In typical pre-fight presser fashion, both Diaz and Sessions were held back by security with Dana White appearing confused. One would wonder what that fight would look like, but don’t get excited. After the conference, Sessions immediately purged Nick Diaz from the UFC, due to his strong stance against smoking marijuana. Sessions didn’t stop there, among the other purged included: Rafael Dos Anjos, Cain Velazquez, Tyrone Woodley and Jose Aldo among many others.

Sessions seems to be hastily making good on his promise to, “get back to the purity of the UFC”. Upon further questioning from reporters to what “purity” meant, Session succinctly stated, “Cleansed of darker… um… material.”