Butler Traded to Philly, Says "Thank God it Wasn't Houston Because Melo Is Basically The Monstars"

Earlier this afternoon, professional grumpy father figure Jimmy Butler was traded to the Philadelphia 76ers. The trade, which also includes injured center Justin Patton, will send Robert Covington, Dario Saric, Jerryd Bayless, and a 2022 second round pick to Minnesota.

Butler was clearly ecstatic, but not for the reason one would assume. Living up to his “realest player in the room” status, it appeared Butler was elated he didn’t get traded to Houston, saying to reporters; “Woo! I’ll take it! Thank God it wasn’t Houston because Melo is basically the Monstars. Have you seen what he’s done to every team he’s been on? Like he sucks so much. And not just because he’s horrible at basketball, but he sucks all the talent out of others around him. He’s a male succubus. And now I don’t have to listen to Derrick’s knees make that damn whirring noise when they charge up.”

There’s certainly a buzz going around the Sixers locker room. Ben Simmons had nothing but praise for Butler. Simmons stated, “I’m so happy Jimmy is here. Cause Markelle is garbage. I wish we traded his bitch ass. Damn I’m feeling more real already and Jimmy ain’t even here yet. Y’all I’m f***ing Kendall Jenner right? Life is good. I got a bad bitch and millions in the bank. I’m bout to donate money to an orphanage just so God don’t decide to balance this s*** out.”

Butler will report to the Sixers by Tuesday.