Confederacy Wins Another Civil War Battle Championship(?) At Beauvoir In Biloxi; Leaving Millions Baffled

written by Muscadine Betty

So…. Um…. Yeah…

In the American South, there's a small percentage of white people who identify as members of the Confederate States of America, although it has not had any sovereignty whatsoever since 1865. However, don’t tell the 280 Civil War reenactors (yes, really) that the Confederacy didn’t win the war. Biloxi, Mississippi is home to Beauvoir, the estate of Jefferson Davis, the former president of Confederate States of America. The Beauvoir Fall Muster is an annual event held for the public to experience life in the late 1800s, Civil War reenactments, and how the principles of slavery states rights brought this country to the deadliest war in its history. And for the 32nd straight year, the Confederacy beat the Union to take home the... uh... country?

Look I don’t know, but you can read how WLOX described it here.

How do they determine the Civil War MVP?

32 straight victories is impressive anyway you look at it. Except for the part where the CSA didn’t win the one that happened in reality, but that’s not what the sport of reenacting the Civil War is about. There are many historic heritage sites that educate the public, and not just about the outcomes of war, but what life was like for those brave soldiers. Besides, it’s not like American citizens in the South only reenact the Civil War… wait never mind, they do totally only reenact the Civil War… and actually WIN it (gotta love that historical accuracy).

ISN correspondent Darth Sharon attended the “definitely real sports” event this past weekend. She wrote, “The whole competition was rigged from the start. All parties involved were from the South. I’m pretty sure I saw some referees, and they were from the South too. The staff at Beauvoir did provide a plethora of information though. But for some reason they didn’t even put slavery on the scoreboard. Either way, the Confederacy overwhelmed the Union Army (made up of Southerners) and won the Fall Muster… Civil War… Championship… Cup, maybe? I don’t f***ing know. Some of the people here literally consider themselves citizens of the Confederate States of America but got Trump bumper stickers telling other people to get out of the United States of America. Shit is backwards, yo.”

Via email, I interviewed a member of the winning Confederate team, Tucker McTucker, who was ecstatic about the victory:

MB: How did you feel about your performance today?
McTucker: “I thought we did a great job out there. We had a plan, we practiced all day and night. Coach told us that the North were gonna throw their best at us… like words and logic and stuff. We ignored all of that and reenacted the hell out of this. I was a little surprised that there were no black people here, but I guess they had other chores to do or something.”

MB: What kind of impact did slavery have on your game plan?
McTucker: “The war had nothing to do with slavery, I think. I mean, no one here or at Beauvoir ever talks about it really. Besides, my family and Kanye always told me that slavery was both a choice and a mandatory way of life. So it didn’t affect our gameplan at all, but I mean, it would have been nice to have constitutionally enforced, involuntary servants to do all the stuff I didn’t want to do.”

MB: Seriously though… just… why?
McTucker: “I’m a proud Confederate, and American… but mostly Confederate. That’s why I always fly the Confederate battle flag next to the American flag. But don’t get me wrong ma’am, I don’t want nobody else’s country flying next to the American flag or they need to get out the country we most definitely just won today.”

This was definitely a choice. And this picture (4 members of Union Colored Army) is from Ft. Stevens in Washington D.C.

I would expect the Confederacy really feels validated after their “victory” Saturday. And I would expect the same results next year… and every year after that in the dubious, unnecessary sport of Reenacting.